Perhaps I'm selfless to the point of no return. At least that's what I somewhat realized on my own last night. It hurt too. I actually almost cried myself to sleep. And really, I have no one to blame but myself. People just come to me to hash out problems and that's fine. I don't mind lending an ear, supplying some advice, and or being a shoulder. It's just that when my friends come to confide in me, they expect some sort of reciprocation, and really, who's to blame them? After all these years of pushing them away and handling my problems on my own they must certainly think I've got my shit together, which is not the case.
It's not that I don't have friends I can go to because hell, I get shit for not confiding. It's not that I don't trust them because I do, with my life actually. The problem resides within me and not them. I think the only easy way of explaining this is comparing it to a therapist and patient relationship. It's almost isomorphic. There is no reciprocation going on. It's all one way and it's been that way for as long as I can remember. I'm flattered that people come to me and trust me. But you see, that trust seems to deteriorate when a patient finds out that their therapist needs a therapist of their own. Perhaps I'm afraid of losing that trust, which I shouldn't be because I don't do anything otherwise that would discredit it.
I'm the middleman therapist that's bombarded with other people's problems perhaps to the point that I don't allow myself to have any. That, and I just feel that my problems seem petty compared to others. That I shouldn't be whining and complaining about things because other people have it worse. I know that my friends care for me and would listen to anything I had to say, no matter how small it might be, it's just that I'm having trouble getting past the feeling of me, who's not supposed to complain about things. Which is why I pour everything that I'm feeling into here because it's the only place that I feel like I can call mine, for it's compiled of my thoughts and feelings. None of my friends know that I post here, well most of them don't. I don't want to share my thoughts and feelings because I would feel that they wouldn't be mine anymore and at this point it's all that I feel that I have. Now how messed up is that?
Fuck, I've got issues. It was never about me but maybe it should be from now on...
http://www.myspace.com/msun/blog/218364519
